Ocean Ambassador’s Club Oil Dump Scandal

Simon Braun, Opinion Writer

On Mar. 15, 2023, numerous documents were discovered among the possessions of  Assistant Head of Upper Campus Haley Hemm. They indicate direct involvement in the Oceans Ambassador’s cover up of the scandal now being named Watergate. The evidence points directly to an oil laundering scheme on a million dollar scale. 

“We needed the funds in order to purchase an extensive array of taxidermied turtles for the living rooms!” Hemm cried as she was dragged by the police. “And a drywall so that Sam and I have to see each other as little as possible!” 

As she was rightfully carted away, many students felt relieved. Hemm, along with junior Makena Matula, biology teacher Monica Ventrice, and the rest of the Ocean Ambassadors’ Club members were arrested on March 25.

“I was wondering why they were collecting plastic straws,” Alex Randall, a local “bird watcher,” said.         

“That’s why they asked me for the spare crude oil I had lying around,” an anonymous local “bird watcher” said.

Thus far, the two crimes that Hemm and her entourage have been indicted for include breaking all four treaties of the Geneva Conventions and creating a hostile work environment for whales. The charges could lead up to life in prison, along with preventing any of the members within 500 feet of water. The hostile work environment charges are likely to lead to a class action lawsuit headed by whales to secure better ocean rights. The United States is planning to retaliate with carpet bombings if whales step one foot on land. Whales have countered by saying they have no feet.

“The infraorder Cetacea does not possess feet or the necessary body parts to step on land,” a Moby Dick LLC member said. “Additionally, the United States government continually uses violence and forgoes the necessary diplomacy to maintain relationships. They refuse to get their feet wet when it comes to whale politics”

Mrs. Hemm’s multi-million dollar scheme worked by purchasing oil and oil insurance, using that oil to poison fish, then harvesting the remains and claiming the necessity for the oil insurance.

This scheme was used on a wide scale of multinational corporations in order to secure a large amount of money.

“We were simply trying to increase the speed that fish reached industrialization,” Matula said.

Matula was able to afford the bail — it was set at two whale corpses. 

“Fish have a hard time collecting oil because their sleep schedule is messed up,” Matula said. “That shouldn’t stop them from succeeding.”