When you think of the Olympics, you think of grand ceremonies, thrilling battles until the final buzzer, and competitive clashes between countries on the biggest stage on the globe. The mind-boggling madness...
BREAKING NEWS: Pinewood has been uncovered as a money laundering scheme. This has come as a fright to everyone except a select few faculty and staff, led by none other than Head of Upper Campus Gabriel...
In a shocking move that left parents and educators baffled, Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon announced a new incentive for students who achieve high grades and test scores: cold, hard cash.
“We...
A fuzzy, greenish brown, bulbous organism is sending out warning signals via its noxious stench that wafts through the halls of Pinewood. In the name of science, biology teacher Kim Hudson is harboring...
Humans are social creatures. At least that’s what everyone tells you. But what if they’re wrong? What if “science” has pulled a veil over your eyes about the true nature of human relationships?
It...
Andrew Wang, Science and Tech Writer
• March 29, 2023
Science Department Chair Kim Hudson has approved an action granting faculty the authority to utilize students as human subjects in potentially life-threatening experiments. This unprecedented twist has...
Lara Parikh, Science & Tech Writer
• March 29, 2023
Even the most talented conspiracy theorists have not been able to understand the root of this transformation of teachers becoming Shakespeare characters, but they speculate that it has something to do...
Is Los Altos Hills the new Albuquerque? Nearly 14 years after notorious drug kingpin Walter Hartwell White, known as Heisenberg, was caught after terrorizing the Southwest with his meth empire, another...
Recent rumors have alleged The Purrrennial, Pinewood’s student newspaper, to be an organization that functions solely through unpaid, involuntary child labor used to further Journalism advisor Sam Jezak’s...
Beloved history teacher Sam Jezak and Assistant Head of Upper Campus Haley Hemm recently tied the knot in Santa Cruz, California. Originally planning a small, intimate wedding ceremony in a picturesque...
Aretha Liu, Arts & Culture Writer
• March 29, 2023
Known and beloved by all, Pinewood’s renowned Perry the Panther can typically be seen on the sidelines during school assemblies. Whether it be dancing, cheering, or posing with fans, Perry...
Katie Meyer, Arts & Culture Writer
• March 29, 2023
Pinewood Upper Campus’ fields are infamously home to some of the most annoying creations known to humankind: thousands upon thousands of tiny, green plastic turf balls. For weeks on end, these turf balls...
