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Flat Earth Fever: Pinewood’s New Cult or Just a Roundabout Misunderstanding?

   New information leaked by an unknown source at Upper Campus has revealed that a Flat Earthers’ Club now holds meetings on Wednesdays at lunch. 

   Our sources report that this previously unknown group, consisting of students and teachers, has been undergoing a series of sacred rituals and chants that are eerily similar to those of satanic cults. 

   In an effort to maintain the safety and security of the Pinewood community, students must remain cautious of the following suspected students and teachers whom our sources have linked evidence to possibly being involved in the Flat Earthers’ Club.

   When questioned if freshman Alisa Tarnikova was a flat earth believer, Tarnikova denied knowing anything of the matter. 

   “Can you please leave me alone?” Tarnikova said in response to questions about satanic rituals and flat earth t-shirts from Temu. 

   Even so, a variety of facts are known about Tarnikova:

   Tarnikova also enjoys eating boiled eggs for lunch every other Tuesday. 

    Tarnikova is a ninth-grade student who loves to talk obsessively about the periodic table of elements. 

   The periodic table of elements is linked to the creation of the universe. 

   Satanic cults such as the Flat Earthers Club probably think that the universe doesn’t actually exist and that the National Aeronautics and Space Administration  and all other space agencies are lying to the world by making things up. Tarnikova’s knowledge on the elements would only further explain why she might be of assistance to this group. 

    Because boiled eggs are round in shape, and Tarnikova eats these frequently, we can infer that she believes that rounded objects must be destroyed. As the earth is still here today, Tarnikova likely thinks that it therefore cannot be spherical. 

   It must instead be flat as it has not been destroyed just yet. 

   Science teacher Elaina Tyson, when questioned, also denied being a part of this club. 

   “There are no facts that support the theory of a flat earth,” Tyson said. “Actually, there are many studies done that refute the idea of a singularly planetary surface.”

   This is very likely a cover-up for Tyson’s true beliefs. 

   In Tyson’s room, a poster reading “Brain cells … find them, use them,” tells a different story of both manipulation and deception. 

   What seems to be a joking phrase translates into a serious message to her fellow cult members. 

   The “brain cells” Tyson is referring to are those of her students. The cult will likely take innocent children’s brain cells and replace them with nanochips borrowed from Elon Musk himself in order to create a larger army of mind-controlled flat earth enthusiasts. 

   Sources say that if this satanic Flat Earthers Club truly does exist, humanity may be doomed. 

   It is urged that you warn your friends and family before it’s too late; the Flat Earthers’ malevolent intentions may just destroy the very world as we know it.

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