In a desperate attempt to address their struggling defensive core, the San Jose Sharks announced that they are recruiting replacement defensemen from Pinewood School.
When Sharks mascot S.J. Sharkie arrived at Upper Campus and filled the Cue Quad with several inches of cold water, students gathered excitedly, asking if it was a promotional event for “Heated Rivalry.” The Sharks management grew increasingly concerned, however, when it became apparent that Pinewood recruits thought hockey was fictional, a conspiracy theory, or just men kissing on ice.
Unable to acquire defensemen Quinn Hughes or Cale Makar before the trade deadline, the Sharks signed four students as replacements: juniors Alisa Tarnikova, Kayden Ge, Alex Watanabe, and Tiffany Au, after a brief evaluation involving trying not to fall on ice.
The Sharks’ coaches arrived at Upper Campus during lunch on Monday and began asking students if they could play defense while star forwards Macklin Celebrini and Will Smith ran to the snack shack to buy milk and cookies.
Despite the players’ limited knowledge of the sport (especially Tarnikova, who sat the entire game in the penalty box because she thought it was VIP seating), history teacher and newly appointed Sharks Head Coach Gregory Brazil was stunned by how well the players fit the role.
“We were just looking for anyone willing to stand near the goal and occasionally be in the way,” Brazil said. “ But, Pinewood athletes have already shown elite hockey instincts: icing the puck—chucking it to the other side of the ice—without prompting, screening their own goalie, giving away shorthanded goals, and creating high-danger scoring opportunities for the other team.”
Watanabe, who signed a 50-year, $14.5 million contract after asking if the Sharks were a marine biology club, has already made his way to the top defensive pair. Noted-tyrant Au said holding a hockey stick made her feel powerful; her size and physicality have made her the team’s new “enforcer.”
“They kept saying they needed ‘defensemen,’ and I thought it was like a debate thing,” Au said. “Then they handed me a stick and said, ‘Wave it around the net,’ so I said it was like motioning for a round robin.”
When asked his thoughts on his hockey philosophy, star football player-turned-NHL-GOD (-10,000 plus/minus rating) Ge responded with approximately 75% of a hockey player’s lexicon.
“Uhhh, I mean, we gotta get pucks in deep, you know, keep it simple, and, um, play our game,” Ge said.
Despite Au, Ge, and Watanabe’s less-than-cerebral style of play, Brazil considered Pinewood hockey players an improvement from their original squad, citing key performance metrics.
“Their total shots blocked is about the same,” Brazil said. “And their giveaways are, at the very least, more creative. Alex is already taking useless hooking penalties and putting us on the penalty kill every few minutes. What a genius!”
