The Perennial has tasked me with investigating the hidden life of math teacher Anna Scicinska. Commonly referred to as the “Intelligent A,” Scicinska is the big dog of intellect on the Pinewood campus. Much less known is her penchant for American intelligence. Indubitably, new reports reveal that Scicinska is, in fact, not a Brit but a true corn dog-eating, pie-baking North Carolinian, red, white, and blue-blooded American patriot. 

   For years, Scicinska’s true origins have remained mysterious due to her habits of tea drinking and crumpet eating, along with common British phrases such as “yah boo sucks to you” and “jiggery pokery.” However, sources have recently reported that these behaviors are simply a front for a far more sinister purpose: Beneath the veneer of her false British descent is a nefarious, scheming member of the National Corn-Growers Association, a patriotic American who seeks only to find and eliminate British individuals — ever wondered why Pinewood is distinctly lacking in Brits?

   Aside from these disturbing activities, Scicinska is also a member of the FBI, CIA and NRA. That’s right. Though she may pay homage to the royal family and loudly proclaim a desire to reinstate the monarchy, Scicinska’s true loyalties lie with one country and one country only, and it’s not England.

   Luckily, her suspicious activities have not escaped the discerning watch of Pinewood students. Senior Alex Randall notes that he observed her during pie day.

    “She was eyeing the apple pie during the pie day festivities,” Randall said.

   What would a quid-using, football (it’s soccer)- watching, cracker-eating Brit be doing, eyeing up good ol’ American apple pie? Apple pie represents the American dream itself. Through the pie, all apples are made equal and weighed only by their merit. Apples quite literally pull themselves up by their bootstraps: through pure force of will, an apple seed grows into a tree that will bear fruits for generations to come, the truest example of American excellence.

   Another observer, alleged murderer and hobbyist math teacher Sara Dorset, says she found evidence of American behavior.

   “I found a wide collection of guns hidden in her closet, behind the expected collection of knives,” Dorset said.

   Nothing is more British than a knife, but a gun? That is a distinctly American weapon used for a distinctly American crime: police brutality. And, though her Mini Cooper with British taillights is seemingly innocuous, witnesses reported her driving an RV and Jeep Wrangler and suspiciously dropping off construction supplies in a pickup truck to various locations.

   Scicinska is a famous colonist who is most well-known for her work in India. However, her more obscure jobs include selling weapons in the Middle East and destabilizing South American governments. Most damning of all, Upper Head of School Gabriel Lemmon reported seeing her directing American troops in Afghanistan on his honeymoon.

  Now, just to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of colonialism now and again. I’ve dipped my toes in Syria, and any good American has organized a military coup to prevent a democratic candidate from taking office in Venezuela. But it’s one thing to do those things as a proud, patriotic, beer-drinking, minority-arresting American. It’s another barrel of bullets to do so as a Brit. 

   Though this deception may feel like a betrayal, it’s essential to reflect on the harm it actually caused: in reality, little to none. Murder is terrible … most of the time. But, Scicinska’s “crimes” really amount to lying to the Brits and defending American values. And if a few Brits are taken out of the equation, well, you can’t make a burger without killing a few cows.

   Now that Pinewood knows her secret, it’s our job to protect her and her patriotic mission. And to our favorite American spy: thank you for your service.