Pinewood Upper Campus students are calling for action after learning the truth about English teacher Sabrina Strand, who has been stealing her students’ psyches during class mindfulness activities.
In March, Strand’s unsavory practices were exposed in a leaked file that contained her correspondence with the director of the Pinewood Scholars Program, Michelle Gannon, who was charged with possession of sleep-inducing candles in December. Freshman Miles Callahan was shocked when he learned about the true nature of Strand’s mindfulness activities.
“The truth changed me,” said Callahan. “Now, I quiver when [Strand] cackles into class or lures us in with the grab bag.”
In her email to Gannon, Strand bragged about her actions when her students closed their eyes.
“Upon viewing the lethargic sheep video and harking the bucolic voice of the guided meditation, my pupils became susceptible to the capture of the material and immaterial,” Strand said. “I have become a crook (metaphor), a stealer of thought.”
Strand’s comments, which could land her a perfect score on the SAT English section, exposed her ability to pull thoughts straight out of her students’ minds.
“On the day of my [Social Awareness Project] presentation, I forgot my entire topic after Ms. Strand’s meditation,” Callahan said. “It was as if someone had plucked the information straight from my head before I could speak.”
In addition, the file, which is littered with self-annotated literary devices such as “structure mirrors content” and “anthropomorphism,” explains how Strand often ends up with her students’ belongings. Strand uses the opportunity when her students close her eyes to explore the goodies in their backpacks.
“Ay on hood Ms. Strand be stealing my stuff,” sophomore Christian Arcangel said. “I thought I left the Beemer keys in the whip ‘til I saw Ms. Strand drive off in the mint M3! Ay don’t play ‘cause Ms. Strand took that whip on hood, on gang, on everything.”
Although several students are upset over the alleged theft by Strand, they have not confronted Strand for fear of damaging their grades. Despite losing her entire basketball jumpsuit, sophomore girls basketball player Abigail Yew will not speak to Strand, who showed up on campus dressed in Yew’s warm ups.
“I’ll make any shot on the court, but I can’t risk dropping my grade in Ms. Strand’s class,” Yew said.
While her actions have deeply disturbed the Pinewood community, Strand remains oblivious to the criticism. In another leaked, heavily annotated email containing a photo of Strand next to a bright green BMW M3, Strand expressed concern but claimed that her unique practices benefit her students.
“I trudge in the waters of solicitude (imagery) if my pedagogy (diction) has initiated a sense of catastrophe,” Strand said. “That being said, my unorthodox manner of mentorship challenges my pupils to ponder outside of the rectangular receptacle (allusion).”
Strand’s frightening abilities and unsavory practices come after Gannon’s recent “Candle-gate” scandal, in which several PSP students fell into a coma after Gannon lit illegal sleep-inducing candles. Students are calling Gannon and Strand’s repeated offenses the “Strand-er Things.”
