Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon made a hasty decision to replace the gym with a pool after hearing that the girls and boys basketball teams are dropping out of their respective programs.
“Without the girls and boys basketball teams, there is no reason for a gym,” Lemmon said. I plan to tear it down and replace it with a glorious pool.
On April 18, Lemmon and a crew of literature teachers plan to tear down the gym with their bare fists and carve out an Olympic-sized pool with plastic sandcastle shovels for everyone to enjoy.
“I truly think this will be an amazing bonding experience for me and the literature teachers,” Lemmon said. “After reading ‘Holes’ with them, we believe that anything is possible with the power of friendship and a good shovel.”
Lemmon said that the pool would be available during class, and students could swim if they wanted a five-minute break from their teacher’s yapping.
“I know they get boring sometimes, so go take a swim if you need one,” Lemmon said. “Make sure to wear your swim trunks, though; the dress code still applies.”
Girls basketball head coach Doc Scheppler is appalled at this idea. Just moments before Lemmon officially announced this drastic change, he received a notice that his basketball girls were dropping out of the program to focus on their amateur softball careers. In hopes of gaining some clarity on this bizzare situation, he publicly accosted all the girls on his team, only to discover that they also quit because of his dreadful sense of humor and horrendous dad jokes.
“I am shocked, and I feel betrayed that the girls’ team could do such a thing to me,” Scheppler said. “All I ever did was care for them, protect them and butter them up with some jokes. How could they do this to me?”
Offended that outside spectators don’t believe in their softball dream, the girls basketball team is determined to make a statement.
“I want to focus on my career in softball,” senior Sachi Urushima said. “Swinging a bat is more exhilarating than shooting a ball. I’ll miss Doc, but not his music taste.”
Similarly, the boys varsity teams have had enough of sophomore Dhruv Gupta’s disastrous 3-point shooting form and are dropping the upcoming seasons. Watching Dhruv stressed them out so much they began to get debilitating migraines and nosebleeds. So, for their own mental and physical health, they decided to quit.
“I don’t see what I did wrong, but I think it’s best for the team if [starting guard] Thomas [Meehleib], my glorious king, wants me to stop shooting,” Gupta said.
“I really liked the team, but sometimes the coach yelling at me to stop sleeping on the court ticked me off a bit; I was merely trying to get some rest,” Gupta said.
The rest of the student body, on the other hand, are excited about the new pool. They see this as an opportunity to drench their friends with water. However, when they return to class, they will end up soaking the carpet floors from the dripping water. The teachers must rely on paper towels to keep the classroom dry.
“I’m excited to get my Minion swim trunks on and waddle my way to the pool,” sophomore Ian Hsiao said.
