Science Experiments in Pinewood Classes Endanger Unsuspecting Students

Andrew Wang, Science and Tech Writer

Science Department Chair Kim Hudson has approved an action granting faculty the authority to utilize students as human subjects in potentially life-threatening experiments. This unprecedented twist has garnered the attention of many involved in the school’s community, especially students currently taking courses in the hard sciences. Many individuals have cited the United Nations’s Universal Declaration on Bioethics and Human Rights while criticizing Hudson’s decision, claiming the welfare of humans should take priority over the interests of science. Though faced with overwhelming criticism, the science department shows no sign of retracting their actions. To Hudson, nothing matters more than gaining recognition for her work, even if she turns evil in the eyes of the public.

“Human experimentation is what we need to take the next step,” Hudson said. “I don’t really care what the United Nations think. It’s my way or the highway.”

Hudson has recently finished the development of her latest concoction: a brew that supposedly turns humans into a Ramsey Canyon leopard frog. 

“Well, Ramsey Canyon frogs are one of many endangered species in the United States,” Hudson said. “I want to rebuild its population, and once I acquire enough student-frogs, I will release them into habitats found in the Bay Area. ”

Though Hudson claims her work possesses no faults, students have had little to no change in their physical appearance besides slightly greener skin. However, a bad case of the stomach bug may just be the cause. Hudson’s plan has collected an overwhelming number of complaints from students and parents alike. She has displayed genuine shock towards the opposition, surprised that the Pinewood community does not willingly want to become frogs. Luckily for her, she now possesses the power to enact her plan. Many suspect her only goal is to win the Nobel Peace Prize, an obsession dating back to her collegiate days. Despite such controversy, her influence has spread, starting with chemistry teacher Sarah Prestwood. In a similar fashion, Prestwood has begun her own experiments, utilizing chemistry students as human subjects. She is motivated only by her responsibilities of promoting the well-being of her students. Dubbed “Prestwood’s Punch,” she claims the brew delivers the benefit of IQ increase to its drinker, which will help them succeed academically. Prestwood also advises those to ignore the amounts of mercury in the concoction. Unfortunately, participating students have experienced nothing more than a mild rash and an unending case of the hiccups. Local experts are currently looking into the symptoms, but Pinewood School claims the symptoms are caused by students and their addictions to their phones.

Currently, Hudson and others are being hailed as pioneers by some in the growing field of bioethics and human experimentation. However, doubts about the nature of their work raise a question: are they simply crazed fanatics or actually courageous scientists?