The Perennial

Lemmon the Launderer

Vishesh Ranganathan, News Writer • March 30, 2023

BREAKING NEWS: Pinewood has been uncovered as a money laundering scheme. This has come as a fright to everyone except a select few faculty and staff, led by none other than Head of Upper Campus Gabriel...

Cash for Grades

Arjun Kelkar, News Writer • March 30, 2023

In a shocking move that left parents and educators baffled, Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon announced a new incentive for students who achieve high grades and test scores: cold, hard cash. “We...

Science Experiments in Pinewood Classes Endanger Unsuspecting Students

Andrew Wang, Science and Tech Writer • March 29, 2023

Science Department Chair Kim Hudson has approved an action granting faculty the authority to utilize students as human subjects in potentially life-threatening experiments. This unprecedented twist has...