Lemmon the Launderer


Raghav Ramgopal

Lemmon greedily poses with his laundering profits.

Vishesh Ranganathan, News Writer

BREAKING NEWS: Pinewood has been uncovered as a money laundering scheme. This has come as a fright to everyone except a select few faculty and staff, led by none other than Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon. 

An investigation led by the Los Altos Police Department has revealed that Lemmon, along with biology teacher Monica Ventrice and possibly others, have been masquerading as a legitimate institution for almost three years now.

“We are currently holding Lemmon in an interrogation room, but have not been able to crack him,” Chief of Police Angela Averiet said. When he finally broke, Lemmon gave a simple answer.

“I was bored,” Lemmon said. “I was getting too good at my job and wanted some more excitement.”

Lemmon was urged by authorities to meticulously detail his endeavors, so he explained the whole story. He revealed that it started back during the pandemic when everybody was placed into fully remote learning. With no bright Pinewoodian faces to keep him company, he came up with the disastrous idea.

“I needed some spice in my life, so I started funneling money for my own personal gain, mainly to fund my lifelong unicycling hobby,” Lemmon said. “Surprisingly, it takes a lot of money and time to learn unicycling. Who would have thought?” 

When sorting through Lemmon’s records, investigators found medical reports detailing that Lemmon was injured so frequently practicing his hobby, that if he were to do so again, it would need to be in the presence of a highly trained professional.

“I can neither confirm nor deny this,” Lemmon said in response to the reports.

When Ventrice was questioned about her role in the scam, her answers seemed just as surprising as Lemmon’s. Ventrice claims she was roped into the scandal while walking past Lemmon’s office and was offered the chance to join in.

“Eh, why not,” Ventrice said in response to why she did it. “Honestly, I was going to use the money to become the greatest botanist this country has ever seen, but that is not really possible anymore.”

This event has left the whole community in shock, questioning the legitimacy of the school-turned-crime scene with varying reactions among teachers and students. Math teacher Sara Dorset complained that she was not included in the scheme.

“I wish I could have been a part of the scam because I really loved the show ‘Ozark’,” Dorset said. “I hope they did not have too much fun without me.”

On the other hand, students took it quite lightly and were unbothered.

“So, do I still have my calculus test tomorrow?” junior Arnav Gupta asked when he first found out about the scheme. It’s safe to say that he did not, as Pinewood has been suspended indefinitely.    

“You will regret the day you messed with me and my dreams of unicycling,” Lemmon said as he uttered his last words before being dragged off to his cell.