The Student News Site of Pinewood School

The Perennial

The Perennial

The Perennial

Flat Earth Fever: Pinewood’s New Cult or Just a Roundabout Misunderstanding?
Didem Becer, Staff Writer • May 3, 2024
Behind the Catchphrases of Math Teacher Stuart Hamilton
Rishi Chen, Staff Writer • May 3, 2024
Innocent Chemistry Prank Goes Terribly Wrong
Addison Parenti, Staff Writer • May 3, 2024

Kayden’s Ultimate Guide to Sweet Talking Referees

Emma Hwang
Pinewood boys basketball player Kayden Ge (right) fakes out the ref for a finish at the basket.

   Their repulsive zebra-striped uniforms. Their obnoxious, over the top body movements when making the most atrocious calls ever known to man. Their receding hairlines. They are, of course, referees: the universal enemy of all athletes. So, dear athlete, you may wonder if it is possible to actually befriend a ref to get more calls. I’ll try my best to help you out.

   First, I’ll start by telling you what you definitely shouldn’t do. A common mistake athletes make is thinking being a suck up is going to get them anywhere. If this is you, you’re probably the teacher’s pet nobody likes, and you probably get excited at the thought of having more homework every night. The point is, if you try this, everyone will hate you. The refs know exactly what you’re trying to do, and it never works.

   Senior George Textor, a frequent victim of terrible officiating, found this technique to be quite ineffective, recalling an instance when it severely backfired.

   “I tried friendly small talk with a ref one time and asked about his family,” Textor said. “Turns out, he was the least favorite child, so guess who fouled out in the first half.”

   Even if stroking refs’ egos isn’t the way to go, unfortunately, shattering their egos isn’t either. Despite all the vulgar insults we want to hurl at them, refs are fragile, and they won’t hesitate to hand out techs. Pinewood girls basketball Head Coach Doc Scheppler, who has experienced his fair share of awful officiating, provided his approach.

   “Refs are like bears, you shouldn’t pet them nor attack them,” Scheppler said. “It’s best to leave them alone and let them be the menaces they are. Just pray they choose to pick on the other team.”

   The mission may seem hopeless, but fret not. There is still the scientifically proven, oldest trick in the book that has withstood the test of time: bribery. This tactic is extremely overpowered, but it has its downsides, as bribery is highly illegal. Scheppler was once against bribery, but after losing due to terrible refs multiple times, he turned to the dark side.

   “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” Scheppler said.

   However, the strategy became unsustainable as the expenses caught up to Scheppler.

   “The refs’ prices became ridiculous,” Scheppler said. “But based on how bad they are at their job, they probably barely get paid, so it’s understandable why they need to charge so much.”

   So, is getting on the refs’ good side really mission impossible? Maybe, since it is ultimately up to the refs to choose who to like or dislike, but who really knows. All I know is….I have my favorites.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

All The Perennial Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *