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The Perennial

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Math Teacher Sara Dorset Leaves Pinewood for 49ers Coaching Job

Gabby Yang
Math Teacher Sara Dorset informs 49ers players of new defensive schemes.

   At 7:48 p.m. on Feb. 11, Pinewood math teacher Sara Dorset sat with her family, stunned at the disgrace that had just taken place. A lifelong San Francisco 49ers fan, she had just witnessed her favorite team lose their second Super Bowl in four years. A shocking defensive display had once again ruined her dream of watching the Niners lift the Lombardi Trophy.

   “We were lowkey cooking most of the game,” Dorset said. “No cap, the main thing that killed us was the final defensive possession.”

   Over the next couple weeks, Dorset stewed over the heartbreaking loss. No matter what she’d done to support the team, it never seemed to be enough. However, that all changed on March 3.

   Dorset was coaching her five-year-old son in a peewee football game when she came to the realization that her excellent coaching philosophy was the reason for her son’s on-field success. With play calls such as the “Slant (Asymptote) Route” and the “Obtuse Read Option,” Dorset knew she had a special gift and planned to put it to good use.

   As soon as the game ended, Dorset ran to her home computer and applied for the recently vacated position of Defensive Coordinator for the 49ers. After her masterful performance as head coach of her son’s game, she knew that she was the best candidate for the job. In order to earn the franchise its first championship in 30 years, she would have to do it herself.

   Mere hours after she submitted her application, Dorset was hired by the organization. Her masterful defensive scheme blew away top executives and coaches in the franchise, especially her blitz packages that used Euclidean Geometry to map the fastest way to the opposing team’s quarterback.

   Two weeks later, Dorset had the organization buzzing with anticipation for the upcoming season. She had brought in four pro-bowl caliber players to beef up the roster and already had her players well-versed in her mathematically-oriented defense.

   Dorset is excited for the upcoming 2024-2025 season. She hopes to overcome the Super Bowl loss to the Kansas City Chiefs and to meet legendary players like Patrick Mahomes.

   “On god, this is our year,” Dorset said. “I’m not even gonna lie, if we don’t win this year, there’s something wrong with the team. I’m not the problem, that’s for sure.”

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