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NBA All-Star LeBron James Traded to Pinewood School

Emma Hwang
NBA All-Star Lebron James flies high for a dunk.

  Los Angeles Lakers superstar LeBron James was traded to the Pinewood Panthers of Los Altos Hills in exchange for sophomores Josh Tian and Thomas Meehleib. The trade was announced by Lebron’s agency Klutch Sports Group. The trade marks James’ first time on a high school court in 21 years.

   Already, there is backlash from parents of players on opposing teams. Criticism is primarily directed towards James’ “unfair” athletic build, as well as the fact that he’s 39 years old.

   “How is it possible that this behemoth of a man is allowed to join the team?” a parent from Woodside Priory complained at a recent school board meeting. “It’s like putting a lion in a cage with bunnies and expecting the bunnies to win the fight.”

   “I mean, allowing a 39-year-old on the team is preposterous,” another parent said. “I mean sure, we have people on our team who have re-classed three times and are close to having kids, but there’s a line between what’s okay and what isn’t. Pinewood clearly crossed that line.”

   While league officials began an investigation into the trade, they discovered that there’s nothing in the transfer rulebook that says a NBA player cannot be traded to a West Bay Athletic team.

   James has already begun participating in Pinewood’s practice games. It’s been reported that he recently posterized a player so hard that the basketball hoop was destroyed and the player who got dunked on sustained multiple injuries, including a broken leg, a fractured arm and severe damage to his self-esteem.

   Tian was shocked by the announcement of the trade.

   “They only traded LeBron for me and Thomas?” Tian said. “They should have at least included AD [Anthony Davis].”

   Tian also questioned the purpose of acquiring James for the boys basketball team.

   “I don’t know how he’s really going to fit into our system here,” Tian said. “Don’t get me wrong, LeBron’s a great player, I just don’t know if he will perform well here.”

   Meehleib was also surprised upon hearing of the trade.

   “I don’t know how I’m gonna explain to my parents that I’m being traded to the Lakers,” Meehleib said. “I mean, am I still supposed to go to school?”          

   According to inside sources, James requested a trade to “save his legacy,” as he feels that the Lakers are currently tarnishing his hall of fame career. It has been reported that James believes he would dominate at the high school level, which would further solidify him as the NBA’s greatest player of all time.

   “You know, everywhere I go these days, all I hear is, ‘How will this affect LeBron’s legacy’,” James said. “After reading the first pages of multiple books about leaving a legacy, I’ve realized that going back to play high school basketball and breaking every record known to man is the way to go.”

   The sports community quickly flared up upon the announcement of James’ trade. Following the announcement, James released on Instagram a full list of goals he wishes to achieve. Among them includes becoming rookie of the year for the second time, winning another NBA championship, and making an actually watchable Space Jam movie.

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