Class of 2023 Senior Predictions

Class of 2023

Oscar Barnes After studying journalism and learning the dictionary from front to back, Oscar can finally speak in a dialect that is unknown to mortal humans, causing him to embark on the first manned mission to Mars to meet similar intellectual beings. 

Daniel Blotter Having seen the lethality of writing utensils firsthand (or firstwrist), Daniel eliminates corrupt College Board officials with #2 pencils as the Academic Assassin.

Will Bull At Artcenter College of Design, Will gets dress-coded while sporting a fashionable crop-top. In protest, he streaks through campus, to the delight of some.

Vincent Chen Vincent finally meets his celebrity crush, Ana de Armas. It’s too late, though, since Pete Davidson is already dating her, apparently.

Skylar Chui Skylar has become known as the Steph Curry of the retirement homes, beating everyone in the national granny 3 pointers championship. She averaged 4 3-pointers per minute, 5 more than everyone else. 

Kate Cornyn Kate utilizes her fantastic song-writing abilities and becomes the next Phoebe Bridgers, giving her the opportunity to meet Taylor Swift and firsthand discover who the Him was in All Too Well.

Robert Cui In the wilderness of Canada, Robert passes out while eating a poisonous mushroom he thought would make him swole. When he awakens, he is in a mysterious cave beneath Gotham City.

Chlea Facelo Chlea starts her own cable channel where she hunts Bigfoot in the Portland woods.

Adam Fallick  After studying musical theater and mastering the art of switching characters, his self-identity deteriorates and he slowly morphs into Cathy from “Wuthering Heights.”

Rachel Farhoudi After playing on the Pinewood Girls’ Soccer team for four years, Rachel accidentally runs into Messi on Tulane campus and wins against him in an one-on-one, spiraling her in a wave of fame and the opportunity to replace Messi in the next World Cup, where Kate will open with her new hit song “It’s all a Mess[i]”.   

Myles Fox Myles spends years studying his ancestry, and finds out that he is Meghan Fox’s third cousin.

Anna Grillo While driving along the California coast, Anna runs over Pedro Pascal and sends him into a coma. When he wakes up, she successfully convinces him that she’s his wife.

Sam Hsiung After years of formal writing and poetry, Sam decides to take to a career of writing fanfiction in the Pennsylvania woods.

Christian Hwang Christian finally becomes the Flash after continuing his speedrunning through the Dartmouth’s halls. 

Ayana Jassal Whilst trying to develop a vaccine for AIDS, Ayana stumbles upon a pill that turns her into the next Avatar. 

Devon Kaskade  Devon goes surfing too far one day, and accidentally reaches the Hawaiian coast, where he lives his days drinking martinis on the beach.

Rye Kianpour After studying medicine in England and dissecting many cadavers, Rye collects so many body parts that they start their own museum and spin-off of “Night at the Museum.”

Sally King  After taking a leap of faith and deciding to study chemistry, Sally learned the art of making illegal substances, becoming more famous than El Chapo.

Rathi Kolappa will grow one more inch, making her a whopping 5-foot-1.

Akash Kumar  All of AKa$hmoney’s money goes to his head, setting him off into a never-ending spiral of craving more. He creates the next Pyramid scheme, eventually causing a stock market collapse and global recession worse than the one caused by Sam BankmanFried. 

Elijah Kurian  Elijah, exploiting the social influence of George Kurian, bribes Congress to pass a law mandating that everyone gets a government-assigned goth girlfriend.

Aeron Lo Aeron becomes an FBI profiler to sabotage the team trying to solve the crimes she committed in her free time.

Syon Mallempati  Syon grows up to be a delegate who accidentally starts a war between America and Canada over prices of eggs. 

Nate Martin  After a tough first year at Syracuse, Nate decides to return to the motherland and is found living with a pack of kangaroos. 

Peyton Meinhardt  Peyton’s horse cookie business blows up unexpectedly during Peyton’s senior year of college, causing her to buy her own ranch and start a horse empire. The only catch – her cookies did not become famous with the horses, but rather as a new nutritious breakfast item for bodybuilders (which Robert endorses).

Natasha Moretti  After 25 years of frantic searching, Natasha was finally found frozen under an ice rink.

Audrey Nelson  Audrey’s obsession with books continues and she becomes Sam’s #1 fanfiction reader. She is so obsessed with it, that she writes fanfiction about Sam’s fanfiction, causing her AO3 account to become more famous than Sam’s.

Seika Oelschig Seika’s obsession for Panera Bread’s Chicken Noodle Soup with a side of chips has resulted in her debut in the hit YouTube show “Freaky Eaters”, where she is featured to consume gallons of soup per day.

Jade Ramirez  After growing it for so long, Jade Ramirez’s hair manages to wrap around the world and throughout the galaxy, ultimately replacing the milky way.

Felix Redman  Felix plays so many video games that his thumbs fall off. 

McKellar Reed  McKellar discovers that his Bronco was originally OJ Simpson’s escape vehicle, allowing him to sell it for a fortune. He then uses this fortune to kickstart his career in drag, something that he never really let go after the production of “Something Rotten” at Pinewood. 

Devan Reynard  As a big baseball enthusiast, Devan becomes the next owner of the Giants and builds a breathtaking new stadium made entirely out of glass. He didn’t consider, however, that glass is breakable, and the entire stadium collapses during the World Series mid game after somebody hits a foul ball.

Ashton Riches  After realizing that studying at BYU was not really her calling, Ashton decides that her last name is her calling, takes to the high seas in search of “riches,” and becomes the next star in “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

Max Roesch  Wandering off at Disneyland during Grad Nite, Max finds Walt Disney’s ashes at the top of the Matterhorn ride. Drawn to the urn, he takes on the mantle of the next Walt as he consumes the ashes.

Sophia Rosen  As Sophia explores the gorges at Cornell, she discovers Ashton’s pirate shipwreck, full of riches but unfortunately no Riches.

Jason Rowe  After a successful tennis career at Puget Sound, Jason begins searching for a “buff shawty” to have a superhuman baby with. 

Josiah Saberi  Infamous for being in the background of photos, Josiah travels back in time and stands in the background of The Last Supper, becoming the ultimate photobomber.

Garrett Sablich  Garrett’s diving career at Davidson quickly takes a dive south after getting caught bombing down 280 at 180 mph.

Alex Sheiba  Alex finally discovers that JFK is alive and has actually been the president this whole time. 

Emmett Smith  During his sophomore year in college, Emmett’s hair grows to an unmanageable length and is trapped in a tower by Mother Gothel.

Peyton Spinner  Peyton finally takes upon his last name once he moves to Miami, spinning around in circles until he causes the greatest hurricane ever known: Hurricane Peyton. 

Carolyn Steeg  Despite Senior Assassin’s end, Carolyn believes the game is still going. She never takes off her goggles and camps out on an abandoned Pacific island, waiting to collect her $120 cash prize. 

Niki Taradash  While studying design at Boston University, Niki becomes obsessed with the Mona Lisa. She flies to Paris to steal it from the Louvre, and lives the rest of her days with the world famous painting in her bathroom.

Logan Thompson  Successfully growing out his middle part, Logan joins the Hype House and marries TikTok astronomer Dinklebob D’amelio.

Justin Ting  Commits identity theft with his Pinewood School ID since his face is obscured by the green bodysuit.

Teau Tongi  The Master of Rizz, Taufaeteau Po’uli Kae ‘Eva ‘I Manamo’ui Piutau Tongi, realizes it’s not the size of the name that matters but the personality.

Ava Uhrich  After six years, Ava finally turns in her first English Literature assignment. 

Mitali Vasudevan  Harnessing her love for Taylor Swift, Mitali embraces her inner musician and becomes Taylor Fast.

Andrew Wang  Finally taking off his mask, Andrew reveals that he’s been hiding the Krabby Patty Formula in his mouth this whole time.

Rosalie Wessels  After OpenAI takes over her Instagram account (@rosacodes), Rosalie hides from the machine overlords in a bunker with her storages of krentenweggen, poffert, suikerbrood, and kerststol bread.