“I WAS REALLY IN A LOT OF PAIN”: Head of Upper Campus Mandates INSANE HEDGE MAZE In Upper Campus Parking Lot


Colin Ternus

Concept Art: The Pinewood Purrrrennial has recently come into possession of early-stage concept art for the hedge maze currently installed in the Upper Campus parking lot.

Michael Shtrom, Copy Editor

The faces of parents and students alike were aghast on Monday morning as they drove up to Pinewood and saw massive walls of shrubbery that towered over the surrounding neighbor in the shape of a 20-foot hedge maze where they expected to see the Upper Campus parking lot. Parents and students were forced to navigate through this maze to park, leaving many displeased. Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon defended the new project.

“I have always said school is all about challenging yourself,” Lemmon said. “Our students are challenged in the classroom and on the field, so why should the parking lot be handed to them on a silver platter?”

This new parking lot has indeed challenged many students, and Office Manager Andrea Sanchez confirmed that the new situation has affected attendance. 

“Quite frankly, it’s a disgrace,” Sanchez said. “All we did was put up a tiny hedge maze over the weekend, and there’s suddenly a lot more tardies and absences. I always knew the children around here were weak.”

English teacher Sabrina Strand was sunbathing in a beach chair near the theater when she was asked about how this development affected her parking lot duty.

“Nobody’s driving where they’re not supposed to in this maze because it’s too dangerous, so I can just sit back, relax, and laugh when people crash into the hedges,” Strand said. “As long as you don’t pay attention to the car accidents, it’s fine!”

Senior Audrey Nelson was unfortunate enough to get into such a car accident when she crashed into one of the hedges, breaking 412 bones in her body. 

“I was really in a lot of pain,” Nelson said. “I don’t know how my jaw recovered in time to talk to you about it, but it was really horrible. I was calling for help, but all I could hear was somebody howling with laughter at the top of the parking lot.”

After seeing the effects that the new maze has had on accidents and attendance, Lemmon has conceded and agreed to take down the maze.

“Fine, if you softies can’t take it, I’m announcing Crash Day,” Lemmon said. “Let everybody crash through the hedges and whoever goes through the most [shrubbery] wins.”

Senior McKellar Reed is especially excited for Crash Day, and he is already calculating the perfect strategy. 

“I’m in it to win it, baby, know what I’m sayin’,” Reed said. “I am going to single-handedly crash through this entire maze.”

Upon receiving the news about Crash Day, Strand removed her sunglasses, stood up from her beach chair, and menacingly peered at the parking lot. 

“Oh, this is gonna be fun,” Strand said.