“VIVA LAS VEGAS! VIVA LAS VEGAS!” When I yell these Shakespearean lines at the top of my lungs, Taylor Swift won’t get the ick — she’ll be enamored. Swift has taken the world by storm, penning songs about her complex love life for enthusiastic fans. And Swift’s boyfriends have played a vital role in maintaining her artistic image, each one representing a different era of her life. Folks, I’m here to tell you that the next phase of Swift’s love life and career should be … drum roll please … Raghav Ramgopal!
Now, I know everyone is thinking about how I could possibly replace Travis Kelce and win the coveted title of Mr. Swift. Well, my 5-foot-8, so-unathletic-that-I-can’t-run-the-turkey-without-almost-fainting self is the perfect fit to be Swift’s next boyfriend. I’ll tell you why.
1. Taylor Swift Needs New Material
In 2024, Swift became a billionaire. This milestone can be attributed to her fans’ endless support of her soul-baring songs. But, I’m not a Swiftie; quite the opposite. Other than a select few songs, I dislike Swift’s music. “Cruel Summer” made my summer cruel. And I should be the one saying “Look What You Made Me Do” to Swift after listening to that song. I think my dislike of Swift’s music could lead to some tension in the relationship. But, this tension will spark the creation of amazing new music like “Sobbing in a Target Bathroom Stall After My Boyfriend Criticized My Music While Passing By My Vinyls.” Forget the Tortured Poets Department — I could bring you the Emotional Manipulation Diaries.
2. I’m at the Prime Dating Age
Swift has made plenty of questionable decisions when it comes to the ages of her lovers. Remember when she dated that Z-list Kennedy who was 18 when she was 23? Oh, and remember when Swift dated then 32 year-old John Mayer when she was 19? All I’m saying is that I’m 18 and Swift is 34 … the age gap looks just fine to me. I mean, it’s certainly about time for Swift to date a younger man. Swift could become even more of a feminist icon, paving the way for women to date men half their age. I’m also in the prime of my life, and sexy. Swift objectively needs a sexy man, and Travis Kelce is not that for her. This is all I have to say on the subject.
3. I Could Save the Environment
Swift has recently come under fire for her frequent use of a private jet while traveling. Many environmental Swifties and climate activists disapprove of the blatant destruction that Swift is causing the environment. Y’all, I’m here to save the day. I dislike private jets for a couple of reasons. The first is that they are environmentally destructive (duh!) and the second is that they seem untrustworthy. Private jets are usually not on many flight radar systems and do not communicate with air traffic controllers as frequently as commercial jets. A crash is bound to occur. Consequently, I will ensure that neither Swift nor I fly private and single-handedly save the environment. I guess I need to be Swift’s boyfriend if anyone wants to live. What a shame!
