Raghav: I Am Secretly Hannah Montana

Raghav Ramgopal, News Editor

Everytime I walk on campus, I feel like a fraud. Everyone knows me as Raghav Ramgopal. The academic weapon. The person who enjoys raiding the snack shack until all of the double chocolate chip muffins disappear. The person who enjoys eating Cheetos while chugging a refreshing, cold carton of choccy milk (yes, it’s actually good, and, no, I will not take any hate about it). But, many don’t know that I am living a lie. No one knows that I am Hannah Montana. 

You see, 10 years ago, when I was a first grader exploring all that life had to offer, Billy Ray Cyrus approached me. 

“Now that my little Smiley may or may not be off to college — no one is allowed to know — I want you to take her place as Hannah Montana,” Cyrus said with a deep, raspy, Tennessee twang. 

So, I snatched the wig from Cyrus’ hands and put it on. Magically, I became. . . Caucasian. No one could have ever realized that a six year-old was going on stage in front of millions to perform some of America’s favorite hits. I truly got the best of both worlds. Every shoe in every size and color, and $134 million! Life was exciting for a while. . . until it wasn’t. 

In my 10 years as the blonde, teenage, Caucasian girl that has traveled into the hearts of millions around the world, I have had so many exciting adventures. I was invited to sing at the VMAs. I was invited to sing at the GRAMMYs. I even won a couple — four, to be exact — myself. I even sang for Congress! Yes, Diane Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi enjoy my music. But, I want to do it all as myself. I don’t want to keep this secret barreled up in me any longer. The world should know Raghav Ramgopal as the four-time GRAMMY winner and chart-topper. Not some made up, magical girl. 

So, here I announce my relinquishment of this blonde wig. I renounce the $134 million. I renounce the best of both worlds. I want one world to be the best: the world of Raghav Ramgopal. I will be sad not to perform for a while, but this will be a good time for me to find myself. But, VEVO, if you want to hit me up, I’m willing to sign a $134 million contract!