It’s a classic American sport. It involves throwing and catching an object. It features touchdowns. I am talking, of course, about the ever-so-relevant, universally loved and admired sport of ultimate frisbee. Ultimate frisbee is so popular, in fact, that a whopping zero people at Pinewood play it competitively. But no. Pinewood’s very own literature teacher Eric Schreiber has a secret love for the sport that he has buried in the deep depths of his heart. Until now. 

Schreiber is known for his banzai in literature classes, and also the unsuspecting cooler that he drags around every day. While the cooler contains Schreiber’s lunch, water bottle, and a few other items, it, surprisingly, also hosts a big plastic plate.

“I have a frisbee in there just in case I get an unquenchable urge to start throwing a disc around,” Schreiber said. “There’s been a lot of times where I’ve wanted to just whip out the good ol’ frisbee and play catch with someone.”

Schreiber’s love for the sport stemmed from his childhood, when he stumbled upon a stray frisbee that had been stuck in a tree. After getting the unidentified object, Schreiber wondered what purpose it served. Stumped after 15 minutes of finding any use in the piece of plastic, Schreiber just threw it away, and that moment changed his life.

“It was like magic, it glided through the air like a thing of beauty, and it felt so unbelievably pure and magical,” Schreiber said. “I’ve had a constant urge to throw a frisbee ever since.”

Schreiber’s desire to throw around his the disk of destiny, however, has usually failed to be satisfied. Most of the Pinewood faculty seems to favor the sport of football. Schreiber, seeing his beloved sport overshadowed, has developed a passionate hatred for football, and especially the sport’s naming system.

“Football’s just a dumb sport, and their naming system is even dumber,” Schreiber said. “They really named the sport “foot” ball, when the whole sport is about throwing the ball around with your hand.” 

Schreiber’s disgust in the sport’s choice of names didn’t stop there. 

“Their biggest event of the year that gets all those middle-aged beer-drinking men from around the country to go crazy got called the Super Bowl?” Schreiber said. “I see no bowl, and I certainly don’t see anything super about it.”

Schreiber had ideas to start his own club for the sport at Pinewood, but was rejected by the unpopularity of the sport. 

“It’s a shame that nobody wants to join me to enjoy this wonderful sport,” Schreiber said. “But it’s fine, I’ll go play frisbee golf by myself.”