Cookies painted with smirking yellow faces. A petting zoo full of snarling behemoths. Students running around laughing — or are they?

The so-called “Happiness” Week descends upon Pinewood with its bright yellow exterior and sinister slogan of “You deserve happiness,” but it’s clear that Happiness Week signifies something much, much darker. 

Is Happiness Week a distraction from the 8 billion tests that always seem to line up perfectly with each new day of torture? Do teachers always wait in anticipation for a few students to get their heads bitten off by demon-dogs or die of food poisoning from mediocre boba? 

Underneath the mask of teachers who always seem to be a bit too smiley and a bit too eager, Happiness Week is a carefully-concocted scheme to push students to the brink of misery and depression. 

“I know there’s something dubious going on here,” sophomore Audrey Liao said. “I just don’t think it is possible for people to be this stupidly excited and disgustingly smiley — the dry cookies can’t hide what they’re really doing.”

Head of this scheme is none other than School Counselor Stephanie Fugita.

According to Fugita, the first step in creating a successful Happiness Week is the complete and total isolation of students. If a student feels like they are the only one that isn’t happy during Happiness Week, they must conform or they will be eaten alive by the “mental-health” dogs that Fugita brings in to “help” and “calm” students. I’m sorry, but there is no way anyone will ever convince me to get near those things. 

For the students that escape Fugita’s hawk eyes, misery is brought to a new level when they discover that all of their compatriots have turned into mindless laugh-factories and that school no longer has educational value.

“Here at Pinewood we believe that laughter is the best medicine — and the best way to learn,” Fugita said. “With laughter as our priority, the teachers won’t have to teach, the students won’t have to study, and all I will have to do is sit here promoting ‘mental health.’” 

Because Pinewood couldn’t even handle its students before the advent of Happiness Week, the state of the classroom has now gone from bad to worse. 

“Day in, day out, I can’t hear myself think anymore,” junior high writing and literature teacher Kelly Spicer said. “I hate my life. No one wants to learn anymore. Might as well just join the cacophonies of choking laughter and obnoxious snickering.” 

With some additional Reddit hunts and twitter rabbitholes, I think I know just who pushed Fugita over the edge. There is a government agency helping schools permanently indoctrinate students. The Child Indoctrination Association (CIA) has helped over 5,000 schools across the United States become garbage processing factories, foodie clubs, and even underground child labor networks. Pinewood got creative and is using Happiness Week to fool everyone. Happy students, “de-stressing,” and laughter only point to one thing: the CIA. Is Happiness Week a larger scheme to launder money or brainwash students? I can only assume it is. 

As I write this, I am being hunted down by the CIA for exposing Pinewood’s plans to graduate clowns instead of students.

Happiness Week is advertised to the students of Pinewood Upper Campus as a time for mental health awareness and wellness, but it is safe to say that I’m not buying it, and you shouldn’t either. It’s a tool of mass educational disruption and can only succeed in making school that much more miserable.