The left-handed minority has always complained about how their quirk has inconvenienced them in daily life. Whether it’s scissors, musical instruments, can openers, or computer mice, they always have something to whine about. But you know what, I’m tired of them acting like the victims when they are the actual problem. So I’m gonna give those left-handed menaces a taste of their own medicine.
First things first, I don’t want to hear “It’s not our fault!” or “We were born like this!” Yeah, right. You expect me to believe that when they came out of the womb, they naturally had the urge to write with their left hand instead of their right? Ridiculous. Clearly, they voluntarily chose to be a pain in society’s side.
To further disprove the conspiracy above, take a look at LeBron James. Although “naturally” left-handed, he actually chose to be an honorable person and convert to the right side. I bet half of you probably didn’t even know LeBron was a lefty since he shoots a basketball with his right hand, but I guess that shows how simple it is to just change. If LeBron can do it, why can’t all lefties do the same?
In all honesty, having the good sense to be right-handed was the best decision of LeBron’s career. Had he stayed a lefty, his relationships with coaches and teammates would have crumbled, his organization would not have built a team around him, and he probably would have been shipped off to the Shanghai Sharks by age 26 instead of losing six NBA Finals. Like, who wants to share a locker room with a lefty, let alone make them the face of the franchise?
When it comes to the challenges of coaching left-handed athletes, just ask Pinewood girls basketball coach Doc Scheppler, who has endured the nightmare of coaching senior Katherine Garr, a lefty.
“Nothing I teach makes sense to her at this point,” Scheppler said. “Everything I say takes a private jet straight over her left-handed head.”
From the perspective of a teammate, having to share the court with a lefty can be just as — if not more — frustrating. Junior Jerry Yan laments the fact that he must share the volleyball court with left-handed sophomore Sean Sirhan.
“Literally last Monday, I set Sean the most perfect ball anyone could ask for, but since it was Sean, my set was apparently bad,” Yan said. “So yeah, of course, he whiffed it and complained about my impeccable set like it was my fault he’s left-handed.”
Right before Yan stormed off in anger, he grumbled about the way lefties make their left-handedness their whole personality, seeing Sirhan as a prime example.
“Like, congrats bro, you’re left-handed,” Yan said while kicking over his chair in sheer exasperation. “Now he thinks he’s all special or something? I seriously can’t stand him.”
Fortunately, I have not had to go through the pain of playing alongside a lefty, and if you have, I extend my sincerest condolences to you. But in general, lefties just annoy me, whether for their notoriously bad handwriting or their endless moaning about the prejudices they face. Boohoo. I think it’s time to go back to the good old days when we forced everyone to be right-handed. The world would be a much better place.
