Chainsaws, spying on private databases, and lying on the internet. That’s truly what makes me proud to be an American. The ultra-efficient, money-saving angels at the brand-new Department of Government Efficiency have inspired me to follow in their footsteps and bring blissful bureaucratic efficiency to our school. If Elon can cut foreign aid, I’m sure I can at least get “The Sound and the Fury” cut from our literature curriculum. When I heard that our glorious king (I mean, president) Trump was planning to cut the federal Department of Education, I couldn’t have been more excited. I mean, who needs funding for lunch programs for low-income students anyways? I was so inspired that I went straight to Dean of Students Jennifer Bates and Head of School Eve Kulbieda to pitch my idea for a Department of Pinewood Efficiency. Pretty DOPE, right?
“We couldn’t have been more excited,” Kulbieda said. “To be honest, there’s quite a few departments and programs I’ve had my eye on cutting since the minute I got here.”
As soon as I got approval, I got to work chopping programs, slicing up departments and saving the average Pinewoodian $1,000 in tuition costs. My very first target was the Pinewood journalism department. They have consistently provided accurate, quality information to Pinewood students, and we simply can’t have the media holding us accountable. Effective immediately, I fired The Perennial’s co-editors-in-chief, seniors Prisha Mohapatra and Jolyn Ding, and reassigned advisors Kim Wetzel and Sam Jezak to other departments. Additionally, I met with Bates to cut all school funding to The Perennial, effectively shutting the spigot on their production process.
Speaking of Jezak, the head of Pinewood’s history department, I can’t wait to completely revamp his curriculum. I took inspiration from our wonderful federal government’s institutions of book bans and imposition of Bible verses in public school classrooms to shape Pinewood’s cutting-edge history curriculum. Starting immediately, DOPE will be monitoring all history classrooms at all times to ensure no information regarding the Gilded Age is taught. Why? Because I think it’s too hard. Additionally, math classrooms will see a significant cut in their funding for Pi Day activities if they continue teaching students integration. Aside from being too difficult, by eliminating math skills, I can lie about how much money I’m saving, and no one will be able to calculate my mistakes.
Finally, all athletics funding to the girls basketball team will be ceased immediately. They’re too good, and I don’t like that. The same way DOGE is saving America, I will save Pinewood, even if it takes me years and people suffer in the process of pocketing some spare change.
