What would you do for an A in all of your STEM classes and 100 hours of community service? Cheat? Steal? Lie?? Why commit such heinous crimes when there’s a much more equitable, just, and ethical alternative? I present to you, the Pinewood Sleep Experiment, open to all desperate high school students!   

   Lasting a mere four days, willing participants will test their ability to remain conscious in the hopes of winning the coveted prize. However, only one will claim victory. The miserable rest will have to endure the tedium and pain of hard work to achieve the same grades and community service hours. That’s why it’s imperative that you stay focused.

   Now, I can’t take credit for this ingenious idea; the STEM department deserves the recognition. Administrative scientist Kimberly Hudson, the head of the science department at Upper Campus, shares her motivation for starting this experiment.

   “I love my students, and I just want to give them an equal chance at success,” Hudson said. “Providing them with a low-effort opportunity to earn an A in all their STEM classes and fulfill their community service graduation requirement just seems like the humane thing to do.”

  Apart from providing students with this wonderous opportunity out of selflessness and compassion, the STEM department has additional, but more covert reasons for conducting this experiment. Since high school students are notorious for being sleep-deprived, the teachers wanted to observe how their bodies would respond to a lack of sleep over a longer period of time.

   They hypothesize that staying awake for 100 hours straight will have little to no effect on the students regarding their physical and mental health as they seem to be surviving just fine on less than six hours of sleep a night. Even though they may not publicly express this, what the teachers really want out of the experiment is to prove that teenage students can function normally without eight to ten hours of sleep, which is a conspiracy theory widely recognized as scientific fact.

   The experiment will start Saturday, March 29, and will be held on the Pinewood campus with Hudson, Dean of Students Jenn Bates, and the rest of the STEM department supervising. Any illicit activity will be reported, and no, you cannot draw eyes on your eyelids to pretend you’re awake.

   To prepare, eager students are making sure they get a good 12 hours of sleep each night at the expense of their attendance and grades at school. Let’s just hope they can manage an academic comeback if they lose. They’ve also been consuming copious amounts of Celsius, a popular energy drink, and coffee during the day to further maximize their chances of victory.

   “I’m a serial sleeper, so I think I’m kinda screwed,” junior Esha Joshi said, her teeth chattering from caffeine. “If I get in trouble for sleeping in class again despite getting nine hours of sleep, I might get suspended. My strategy is just to convert the 70% of water in my body to coffee, ensuring that I’m running on nothing but caffeine. I reallllyyyyy need those As.”

    While most students seem to share Joshi’s concern, others seem to be less concerned about losing.

   “As a sleep-deprived student-athlete, I got this competition in the bag,” senior captain of the girls basketball team Jolyn Ding said. “I already sleep a maximum of 30 minutes a night, so my body is more than ready to stay awake for four days.”

   Some parents have been expressing concerns about this experiment, but Hudson swears that it’s completely harmless and has even received approval from the National Science Foundation!

   After attempting the experiment on rats, Hudson observed that the only side effects they exhibited were similar to those of laughing gas. She urges students to clear their conscience before starting to prevent them from revealing their deepest darkest secrets or their embarrassing latest crush, as it’s common to grow delusional after 24 hours of no sleep. With waived community service hours and As on the line, nothing can deter the desperate students.

   Students are just as excited to fulfill their community service requirement as they are to get As in their classes.

   “Is it bad that I only have 5 hours of community service done?” senior Matt Brown said. “I think I have to graduate in order to go to college, so I NEED to win.”

   I have a feeling that this is going to be a huge success. I mean, what better way is there to bring the Pinewood community together if not through healthy competition and collectively neglecting sleep? Humanities department, keep up.