Psst, I see a downgrade. When I heard you moved on from me with some guy named Kendrick Lamar, I assumed you meant Kendrick Perkins or Lamar Jackson. What I did not expect was a 5-foot-5-inch man who wears flared skinny jeans and only knows one dance move. Turns out the S in SZA stands for short — good luck trying to reach the top shelf! You threw your standards out of the door for a guy who can’t even reach the handle? You chose Mr. Morale over a Rich Baby Daddy … you’re blind.

   I have to admit, you guys look good together … if he’s wearing heels. Super Bowl? More like a vertically challenged crockPOt. (By the way, SZA, we all know you weren’t singing live…) 

   My hatred for SZA did not come from nowhere; let me break it down for you. Once upon a time, SZA and I were in love. We would walk along the beach, and I would cast my 6-foot-5-inch shadow over her (a foot taller than Kendrick if you were wondering. I thought we had it all. I thought I could not lose when I was with you. 

   Nobody got me but her. I let down my guard; I was doing too much. Unfortunately, our relationship arc experienced the most basic plot twist. Our love was completely one sided. She preferred spending time “alone” in the studio over spending time with me. I fell hard, yet she did not fall at all.

   One day, she butt-dialed me in the studio. I could hear her and Kendrick creating their love song “Luther.” Listening to their song triggered my ascension out of the mortal plane. In my new state, I could not channel the strength to hang up the phone, but it wasn’t the worst thing. My ears felt blessed, but I felt extremely betrayed. I realized all of her makeup was just covering a pathological liar with a somewhat-above-average producer. I found out they made three songs together in one year and seven songs in total? They were basically married with a secret family. My eye prescription may be negative four, but I don’t know how I didn’t see that coming. 

   I did what any sensible person would do and sent her a text saying, “ur mid. bye.” I didn’t even care that she cheated on me, but with Kendrick? This was a complete insult to me. You traded a Maybach for a GNX, and this looks worse for you. Personally, I cannot relate, they not like us.