It’s official. Pinewood Upper Campus is moving from the sunny hills of Los Altos to Down Under. From a land of pinecones and turkey trots to a land of beaches and kangaroos, Head of Upper Campus Eve Kulbieda is relocating Pinewood to Australia as part of the school’s new renovation plan.

   If you haven’t heard about it yet, our administrators  have been planning for a full-blown campus renovation starting in 2028. This is the reason Pinewood hasn’t hosted any school dances outside, as they were still trying to get permits approved. Recently, however, Kulbieda has brought up that tearing down the campus and completely reconstructing might take too long, suggesting an alternative instead: Pinewood should completely relocate its Upper Campus to Australia. This way, Pinewood doesn’t have to wait multiple years to get the permits approved and can relocate the whole campus before the start of the next school year.

   “Bro, I’m so sick and tired of having to wait for these dumb permits to get approved,” Kulbieda said. “I just can’t do it anymore, so I’m taking matters into my own hands.” 

   Since Kulbieda is Australian herself and used to live there, she believes in Australia’s power to help Pinewood thrive even more. She has taken it upon herself to edit the WISCR acronym as the first step in transitioning to the new environment.

   “W for ‘won’t you be more fearless if you are exposed to deadly animals?,” I for ‘I am bloody livid,’ S for ‘scarfing down Vegemite,’ C for ‘can’t you see that Australia is better than America,’ and R for ‘riding kangaroos’,” Kulbieda said.

   The new campus will be partly in a forest and partly underwater. The underwater part will consist of an underwater Snack Shack with sharks serving food and an underwater Turkey Trail with poisonous tarantulas, so students have to swim for their prize. The forest will be home to snakes, poisonous spiders, and aggressive koalas.

   “This design will help students build bravery, as they will have to figure out how to dodge these dangers while learning, which is important because obstacles are just a normal part of life,” Kulbieda said.

   Kulbieda has hinted at curriculum updates as well, such as the introduction of two new courses: “Swimming with Sharks” and “Holding Your Breath Underwater.” In addition, the physical education department  plans on teaching students how to fight emus in case they attack, a new form of exercise that will undoubtedly build character.

   To better adjust to the new culture, Kulbieda has also issued a statement requiring students to speak in an Australian accent. This new policy will be implemented in all literature classes, where students are to read aloud in an Australian accent. 

   “I better be hearing ‘naur’ instead of ‘no,” ‘hellaur’ instead of ‘hello,’ and ‘windaur’ instead of ‘window’,” Kulbieda said.

   Kulbieda said that one of the biggest benefits of moving to Australia will be the infinite supply of fairy bread, an Australian snack that consists of white bread coated with full-fat butter and drenched in thousands of sprinkles. This will be served for lunch daily in the underwater cafeteria.

   “I am more than positive that the health benefits of this meal will cause our students to score even higher in school and will lead to them having a brighter, more successful future,” Kulbieda said.

   Although the move will be a significant change for Pinewood students, it is evident that this new journey will only lead to a more dangerous and challenging academic career, and who wouldn’t want that?  

   “Get ready for the ride, Panthers,” Kulbieda said. “Pinewood is moving down unda!”