The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has officially classified Teacheritis, more formally known as the Educator Exhaustion Epidemic, as the most contagious epidemic since COVID, spreading at alarming rates of approximately one teacher per hour.
Pinewood has been hit especially hard. After many years of dealing with rampant Senioritis, faculty members are now succumbing to Teacheritis at astonishing speeds. Among the infected are Head of Science Department Kim Hudson, Head of Math Department Anna Scicinska, Head of Upper Campus Eve Kulbieda, and Head of English Department Patricia Welze. What started as minor grading delays has now spiraled into full academic anarchy.
Sophomore Elizabeth Liang first noticed signs of the infection in Welze.
“One day she was passionately analyzing Macbeth,” Liang said. “The next, after attending a meeting with the seniors, she walked in, tossed the book out the window, and said, ‘Read it, don’t read it, that is the question. This book is a symbol for my will to grade — completely gone.’ I was so shocked.”
Within two days, multiple teachers followed suit. Hudson has reportedly stopped teaching Anatomy and Physiology. Students said that they have seen her walk into class, pointing vaguely at a diagram of the human body.
“You have bones,” Hudson said. “Probably.”
Although Teacheritis seems to have similar symptoms to that of Senioritis (ditching classes, unwillingness to grade), it is also suspected to affect teacher’s mental health. Some students have claimed to see Hudson feeding her lesson plans to the biology class’s turtle and geckos while whispering incoherently.
The math department has also taken a hit. Scicinska abandoned her usual ways of teaching and instead introduced a new curriculum called “Vibes-Based Mathematics,” which requires no grading and no lessons.
“Who cares about the answer?” Scicinska said. “Numbers are a social construct. If you feel like the answer is right, then it is.”
The worst case of Teacheritis, however, has been Kulbieda. At first, she simply stopped enforcing school rules. But soon, things escalated when she marched into a faculty meeting, declaring that Upper Campus teachers are no longer required to come to school.
With the situation spiraling out of control, the remaining unaffected Pinewood teachers have come together to try to find a cure. Some speculate that Welze was patient zero, likely infected by her increasingly-unmotivated AP English Literature seniors. The data also suggests that teachers most strongly affected by the disease appear to be those teaching senior classes. For now, the school remains in a state of controlled chaos — until a cure is found, avoid teachers at all costs.
