A proliferating, male-specific virus has been identified in at least three Pinewood students, but the total num- ber of infected is suspected to be much higher. Though the symptoms have yet to be fully analyzed, witness- es on campus are noticing strange behaviors from the victims including spontaneous posing, snappy insults and caustic sidelong glares. This toxic virus is formally named Sassivirus manidae and is colloquially called the “sassy man disease.” Scientists are pouring billions of dollars into experiments and clinical trials in hopes of containing the syndrome before it transcends continen- tal borders and becomes a disaster for the entire globe; however, no measurable progress has been made.

   This means that Pinewood’s growing number of vic- tims and their terrified peers are undergoing the freakish lifestyle changes caused by this virus. Recently infected freshman Rishi Chen was asked about his experience battling such an isolating illness, and his response was extremely indicative of his deteriorating condition.

   “Life is good,” Chen said. “You should consider get- ting one.”

   When further explanation was requested, Chen jerk- ed his arm upward before responding.

   “Shut up,” Chen said. “Talk to the hand.”

   Chen has since been spotted demanding that his classmates shut up, arguing with teachers and shouting his name at every conversation within 10 feet of him. Further attempts at discussing the situation with those infected resulted in similar results. Another sickly freshman, Lucas Guan, completely denied any of his behavior was out of the ordinary despite numerous anonymous sources confirming an increase of flippant remarks towards friends and even teachers.
  “OMG,” Guan said. “I’m, like, literally not even sassy!”
  His certainty surrounding the state of his health is unwavering, but so is the terror present in his classmates. One of them described feeling nervous and threatened by Guan’s vicious eye rolls but has asked to remain anonymous in order to maintain their safety.

   The chaos that Sassivirus manidae has already imposed on Pinewood is only expected to increase, as scientists struggle to explain the rapid spread and resistant nature of the virus. In fact, some estimates expect the population of sassy men will triple by this time next month. Such circumstances are expected to weigh heavily on the country’s female population, likely causing headaches, deep-set worry lines and prolonged states of irritation. Every American will feel the side effects of this mysterious virus until medical professionals can get to the bottom of it.