Humans are social creatures. At least that’s what everyone tells you. But what if they’re wrong? What if “science” has pulled a veil over your eyes about the true nature of human relationships?

It has. Relationships — especially friendships — are unnecessary; more than that, they’re harmful. We are all too willing to ignore the emotional pain and wasted potential that comes from friendships, but we shouldn’t just let this glaring problem go. Since I first recognized the harmful nature of friendships and voluntarily distanced myself from my so-called “friends,” I’ve been trying to get the word out. 

I’ll concede that family relationships must be maintained to some degree. After all, if attending a dreary family dinner or sending over a trite Christmas card guarantees you won’t be written out of the will, so be it. 

But friendships? They’re just unnecessary. 

First, they’re a waste of time and energy. You’ll never get back all those hours spent comforting your bestie about how their crush didn’t notice their new yellow socks. You’ll never get back the $100 you blew on that Lululemon jacket for them, or the effort it took to find one that matched their foundation perfectly. On your birthday, all they’ll do is sift through their pandemic stash of toilet paper and give you a sad little leftover roll. 

With all the wasted energy we have to funnel into our friendships, it’s no wonder that more important things fall by the wayside. Think of all the creative people who could have discovered the cure for cancer in the time they spent “hanging out,” buying tacky overpriced clothes, seeing overrated movies, or whatever other boring stuff friends do these days. 

Worse than wasted potential, though, is the extreme emotional pain that these relationships cause. While I’ve escaped this kind of situation, I’ve observed many others suffer in the name of friendship. 

An acquaintance of mine once found out, to their devastation, that their best friend secretly threw away their matching T-shirts. The same acquaintance was also jeered at by their closest friends for wanting to become an ostrich babysitter, which led to several weeks of tearful lunches spent in that one bathroom stall no one goes into.  

This is the kind of damage friendships can leave behind. Others may call me a pessimist, but I truly believe that friendship will lead to the eventual downfall of society as we know it. It’s like Valentine’s Day candy: sugary to the taste, pretty to look at, but a silent killer when consumed in excess. 

Speaking of Valentine’s Day… don’t even get me started on romance.