When watching an alien apocalyptic movie, have you ever asked yourself why the main characters are so comically underprepared and doomed from the start? Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon has asked himself this question many, many times and is determined for Pinewood to meet a different fate. 

“One of my all-time favorite movies is ‘Independence Day,’ made in 1996,” Lemmon said. “However, it is very disturbing to see how underprepared Bill Pullman was, and I fear that that could be the fate of Pinewood if I were to do nothing. Every time I watch that movie, I want to throw my popcorn at the screen because of how clueless the president seemed the whole time.”

Because of this, Lemmon has decided to take matters into his own hands and prepare Pinewood for the inevitable alien invasion. 

“It could come tomorrow or in 10 years, but I will not go down as the principal that saw the downfall of Pinewood School,” Lemmon said. 

Preparations are already underway, with a giant sign being shipped from Europe saying “Welcome Aliens.” The hope is that the sign will distract the aliens long enough for students to escape through a spiderweb underground system that is currently in the early stages of production. Each classroom will be equipped with a hidden door on the floor that leads into a tunnel system that feeds onto Fremont Road. Upon hearing the code phrase “guys, there’s an alien invasion going on” on the loudspeaker, Pinewood students will maintain an orderly fashion and sprint to the latch of the door; pictures of the alien ship are recommended for educational purposes. Any students left behind are expected to disguise themselves as aliens to avoid capture. 

There is always a chance that the aliens could be amicable, in which case Lemmon has decided to draft a separate plan. 

“My other, preferred plan is to invite a few alien exchange students into each grade at Upper Campus,” Lemmon said. “The foreign culture, language, and history of an alien species could be a fresh restart for the Pinewood community; in fact, I would be very open to learning new customs and making new friends.” 

However an alien invasion may unfold, it is clear that the Lemmon is determined to make a lasting impact on Pinewood’s history. One can only hope that Pinewood is able to break the chain of terrible Hollywood apocalyptic movies.