My esteemed members of the Pinewood community,

I must say that I am quite miffed.

I can finally say that I know exactly what Julius Caesar felt like, because news has been reaching my ears that the higher authorities have been told about my interest in an all-human diet (something that is categorically untrue and blatant slander if you were to ask me).

Imagine my surprise when I was rudely awoken at 4:30 in the morning on a fine Sunday by a rather insistent knocking on my front door only to have four absurdly tall men in black suits shove me unceremoniously in the back of their windowless van.

It was a ridiculously long and bumpy journey — and I swear there was a plane involved somewhere — and when they took me out, they insisted on keeping a blindfold over my eyes so I wouldn’t “know how to get around Quantico.” I mean, come on, it was a little tacky. And the first thing they told me when the blindfold came off was that one of you had tipped them off.

Guys, this really hurts my feelings.

I don’t know what gave you the idea that I am a cannibal, to be honest. Just because I talk about it all the time and just because you might have seen me with half a femur and a tibia in my lunch box the other day, doesn’t mean that I actually meant it. I mean, don’t be ridiculous.

Honestly, this reflects more on you than it does me, because you should know that you can rarely believe everything that you read. This is preposterous. You really think I would ever say that I prefer a handful of molars to a bowl of buttered popcorn? (Which one of you told them about that? This is the last time I speak to you in confidence.)

A cannibal diet is something that I would never, ever stand for. And if you are someone who is perhaps interested in such a diet, please do not ever contact me; you repulse me. Additionally, please do not come to the Student Achievement Center at lunch on Monday, April 11 to discuss your interests. I will not be seeing you there.

Sincerely,

Prithi (not a cannibal)